Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I am the Wig Man! Goo goo goo joob!

I'm unusual among Marylanders in that I am not running for the U.S. Senate this year. According to the sample primary ballots in today's paper, 10 Republicans and 18 Democrats are running, plus who knows how many third-party candidates. I guess that's what happens when a five-term incumbent decides to retire.

In a crowded field, Republican candidate Daniel Vovak stands out, as these photos demonstrate. Wherever he goes, Vovak wears a George Washington-esque white wig. Asked why, he explains: "It evokes the Whig roots of the Republican Party and its reliance on the founders' version of the United States Constitution." Besides, he says, it's great publicity.

Vovak's campaign website seems to be down, just like R.J. Reynolds', but Wikipedia is meeting the needs of the Republic by giving him comprehensive coverage.

I deeply admire Vovak's opposition to the Maryland state flag, which he rightly calls "the ugliest flag in America." He adds: "In fact, after further study, I have concluded Maryland has the ugliest flag in the world."

I also deeply admire Vovak's announcement that he has hired a psychic to direct negative energies toward the GOP front-runner in the Senate race, Lt. Gov. Michael Steele. "My volunteer campaign staff deduced it was less expensive to hire a psychic campaign manager who would curse Michael Steele than to spend a half million dollars on consultants," Vovak says. "Nancy Reagan used a psychic, and I admire her. We got a good deal on a great psychic."

I disagree, alas, with Vovak's position on Pluto, which he says should be declared a planet by Congress. I fear this would be a slippery slope. Next thing you know, Congress would declare that H20 is the symbol not for water but gold, or that the value of pi is officially 12 because that was Roger Staubach's number with the Dallas Cowboys.

On the other hand, I deeply admire that Vovak has a position on Pluto.

Most of all, I deeply admire Vovak's crusade to have himself listed on the ballot as Daniel "The Wig Man" Vovak and not Daniel "Wig Man" Vovak, which is how he is indeed listed. Apparently the state of Maryland drew the line at "The," because one must draw lines somewhere, lest chaos reign. In his statement denouncing the loss of his "The," Vovik omitted every occurrence of "the." Brilliant tactic should be emulated by other campaigns at first opportunity, as most routine announcements gain great interest by absence of common word, and think of savings on paper alone!

Some scoff at the Wig Man's chances in the Sept. 12 primary. No way the GOP will go for that, you say. I say: You never know.

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